Little Buds

It starts with body odor. Next are the little buds. Over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed that my daughter has developed little buds. I am not sure she even notices them...I am sure she has but she keeps some info to herself.

Wait. I am going to call her into my room to ask about this...

Okay. So she noticed. Her word was "kinda" noticed. She said, "Ava wears a bra." I also have it on good authority that one of her friends already "has her period." Anyway, I just told her to let me know when she feels like she needs a "bra." Her school does not offer a structured PE, so I think her need or desire to wear the useless apparatus will be delayed compared to her public school peers. I also told her to let me know if she starts to have any questions about her body. We have already had "the talk."---several times.

Then she changed subjects by noticing my toes: "I painted my toenails red too." Then she grinned. I noticed her missing six-year molar (she pulled at a friend's house yesterday evening). "You can grab a dollar from my dresser." We never really went into fairy tales about supernatural tooth bandits that abscond with children's teeth in the middle of the night. The dollar just signifies a rite of passage.

Then we talked about nail polish and glue...

My other, younger daughter, well...she is a very curious cat. I found her hovered around a magazine with Zack Efron (or however you spell his name) on the cover. However, she did mention that he was not a "hottie." I had to ask my oldest daughter several days ago who this Zack Efron (or however you spell his name) guys was. A Disney kid. I am curious though, almost from a sociological standpoint, what American seven-year-olds define as "a hottie?" I am not sure I use that phrase very often (of course, my husband is a hottie.)

And I suppose that I was curious too. I remember wanted to marry Michael Jackson (during the thriller years and before he was so freakin' creepy). I think his celebrity made him an ideal candidate for nuptials. ...it seemed to work for Elvis's daughter. Gross. Or maybe I just appreciated a good dancer--he was a really good dancer, y'all!

In the dorkiest mother way: I once found a magazine* with an ad that portrayed a man with flames around him. I should this to my oldest daughter and said: "now he's a hottie!" I probably snorted with laughter. My daughter looked at me. Pause. And she cracked up. I could totally tell, though, it was the mom-is-such-a-dork laughter. We both started laughing really hard.

I always tease my girls and tell them they will be grounded if they grow up. But they will. And it is sad and beautiful and all those things that drive life. But mostly, it is an opportunity for my husband and me to share those moment together...and to raise responsible girls who will pick mom up at the bar when she has had to much to drink.

*We have an abundance of magazines around the house. All of them are men's fashion mags. My father-in-law subscribed to them for Spencer, because both men work in, well, men's fashion. Staying abreast (I crack myself up) of the competition.

Uh...Spring Break?

oh, yeah. spring break. schools still do that don't they. sigh.

"mom, mom, mom?"

"yeah?"

"Can we watch t.v.? Can we go on the computer?" "huh?"

"i guess so. did you clean your room? what about the dishes on the kitchen table. you can't leave the milk out."

The above will be the starting conversation for the next several days.

i want a spring break. i want to reset my brain and do nothing. i don't think i really want to go anywhere. maybe the mountains. maybe a hot tub. i still have to complete the same tasks (actually more this week for some reason) each day--now, i must layer in kids with it all.

i suppose the reward is sleeping in. we all wake up in better moods. ready for morning hugs and kisses. we work through our plans together. my little ones. there is something nice about having them with me under the same roof during the day. i can hear them chatter, play and have the inevitable argument over whose turn it is to play webcans (i want to shoot the creators of those toys-slash-online games).

i really miss spencer on these days. we love to sit around the house and drink coffee together. we love to talk. i never run out of things to talk about with him. it is good to like the people you love.

but i still need a spring break.

All good.

My last blog was a bit negative. It happens. It usually happens once a month when my body is being ripped apart by hormones. And it just so happens that at the same time each month, the world begins to tip off its axis and fall apart. And only I can fix it. Only I can make decisions that will alter the course of human history...FOREVER!

At least, that is how it feels.

Then it passes.

I have been presented with an enormous project. I need more creative juices to even go into it all. But along came another opportunity as well. I am faced with a choice. But it is all good. Not easy. Just all good.

Opportuity knocks...you over

i recently got offered a job (kinda). i was very happy about this job offer. who am i kidding i was freakin' beside myself.

but when the dream-like offer adrenaline subsided that thing that creeps into your mind on rainy days, late at night, early in the morning, or sometimes, on rarer occasions, in the shower, slithered into my brain and clung to my soul. that thing. it is reinforced by so-called friends and acquaintances. and to combat such negativity, we encourage ourselves with lame "self-help" by trying ever so hard to believe that: "hard work leads to big rewards" or "big opportunities come with big risks" or "Einstein was really dyslexic." yeah, yeah. i hear ya. but that thing is still at your door, scratching to come in. doubt is a persistent little bastard.

doubt clings to soul...at first as a little guy, you know, "i am just being cautious." but really. really what i am is scared. doubt gets bigger.

when did this happen? have i always been afraid to fail? i don't think so... maybe i should go back to school. maybe i need more credentials. then i will be ready. doubt feeds.

maybe this is not the right job for me. maybe i am just kidding myself. i have a fall-back plan to you know, fall back. maybe i should just fall back. doubt grows.

i have another meeting tomorrow. a meeting to plan more meetings. i can't even write about this job, because i am afraid of if i do, then i might need to write a new blog to explain how this job did not work out. god, i am lame. i am not going to stop. i am going to keep moving forward. screw you, doubt!

what i really want to think: i have this amazing opportunity to do something big. everything i have worked on in my school and professional career has led me to this moment. i deserve this.