Opportuity knocks...you over

i recently got offered a job (kinda). i was very happy about this job offer. who am i kidding i was freakin' beside myself.

but when the dream-like offer adrenaline subsided that thing that creeps into your mind on rainy days, late at night, early in the morning, or sometimes, on rarer occasions, in the shower, slithered into my brain and clung to my soul. that thing. it is reinforced by so-called friends and acquaintances. and to combat such negativity, we encourage ourselves with lame "self-help" by trying ever so hard to believe that: "hard work leads to big rewards" or "big opportunities come with big risks" or "Einstein was really dyslexic." yeah, yeah. i hear ya. but that thing is still at your door, scratching to come in. doubt is a persistent little bastard.

doubt clings to soul...at first as a little guy, you know, "i am just being cautious." but really. really what i am is scared. doubt gets bigger.

when did this happen? have i always been afraid to fail? i don't think so... maybe i should go back to school. maybe i need more credentials. then i will be ready. doubt feeds.

maybe this is not the right job for me. maybe i am just kidding myself. i have a fall-back plan to you know, fall back. maybe i should just fall back. doubt grows.

i have another meeting tomorrow. a meeting to plan more meetings. i can't even write about this job, because i am afraid of if i do, then i might need to write a new blog to explain how this job did not work out. god, i am lame. i am not going to stop. i am going to keep moving forward. screw you, doubt!

what i really want to think: i have this amazing opportunity to do something big. everything i have worked on in my school and professional career has led me to this moment. i deserve this.