Little Buds

It starts with body odor. Next are the little buds. Over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed that my daughter has developed little buds. I am not sure she even notices them...I am sure she has but she keeps some info to herself.

Wait. I am going to call her into my room to ask about this...

Okay. So she noticed. Her word was "kinda" noticed. She said, "Ava wears a bra." I also have it on good authority that one of her friends already "has her period." Anyway, I just told her to let me know when she feels like she needs a "bra." Her school does not offer a structured PE, so I think her need or desire to wear the useless apparatus will be delayed compared to her public school peers. I also told her to let me know if she starts to have any questions about her body. We have already had "the talk."---several times.

Then she changed subjects by noticing my toes: "I painted my toenails red too." Then she grinned. I noticed her missing six-year molar (she pulled at a friend's house yesterday evening). "You can grab a dollar from my dresser." We never really went into fairy tales about supernatural tooth bandits that abscond with children's teeth in the middle of the night. The dollar just signifies a rite of passage.

Then we talked about nail polish and glue...

My other, younger daughter, well...she is a very curious cat. I found her hovered around a magazine with Zack Efron (or however you spell his name) on the cover. However, she did mention that he was not a "hottie." I had to ask my oldest daughter several days ago who this Zack Efron (or however you spell his name) guys was. A Disney kid. I am curious though, almost from a sociological standpoint, what American seven-year-olds define as "a hottie?" I am not sure I use that phrase very often (of course, my husband is a hottie.)

And I suppose that I was curious too. I remember wanted to marry Michael Jackson (during the thriller years and before he was so freakin' creepy). I think his celebrity made him an ideal candidate for nuptials. ...it seemed to work for Elvis's daughter. Gross. Or maybe I just appreciated a good dancer--he was a really good dancer, y'all!

In the dorkiest mother way: I once found a magazine* with an ad that portrayed a man with flames around him. I should this to my oldest daughter and said: "now he's a hottie!" I probably snorted with laughter. My daughter looked at me. Pause. And she cracked up. I could totally tell, though, it was the mom-is-such-a-dork laughter. We both started laughing really hard.

I always tease my girls and tell them they will be grounded if they grow up. But they will. And it is sad and beautiful and all those things that drive life. But mostly, it is an opportunity for my husband and me to share those moment together...and to raise responsible girls who will pick mom up at the bar when she has had to much to drink.

*We have an abundance of magazines around the house. All of them are men's fashion mags. My father-in-law subscribed to them for Spencer, because both men work in, well, men's fashion. Staying abreast (I crack myself up) of the competition.

Uh...Spring Break?

oh, yeah. spring break. schools still do that don't they. sigh.

"mom, mom, mom?"

"yeah?"

"Can we watch t.v.? Can we go on the computer?" "huh?"

"i guess so. did you clean your room? what about the dishes on the kitchen table. you can't leave the milk out."

The above will be the starting conversation for the next several days.

i want a spring break. i want to reset my brain and do nothing. i don't think i really want to go anywhere. maybe the mountains. maybe a hot tub. i still have to complete the same tasks (actually more this week for some reason) each day--now, i must layer in kids with it all.

i suppose the reward is sleeping in. we all wake up in better moods. ready for morning hugs and kisses. we work through our plans together. my little ones. there is something nice about having them with me under the same roof during the day. i can hear them chatter, play and have the inevitable argument over whose turn it is to play webcans (i want to shoot the creators of those toys-slash-online games).

i really miss spencer on these days. we love to sit around the house and drink coffee together. we love to talk. i never run out of things to talk about with him. it is good to like the people you love.

but i still need a spring break.

All good.

My last blog was a bit negative. It happens. It usually happens once a month when my body is being ripped apart by hormones. And it just so happens that at the same time each month, the world begins to tip off its axis and fall apart. And only I can fix it. Only I can make decisions that will alter the course of human history...FOREVER!

At least, that is how it feels.

Then it passes.

I have been presented with an enormous project. I need more creative juices to even go into it all. But along came another opportunity as well. I am faced with a choice. But it is all good. Not easy. Just all good.

Opportuity knocks...you over

i recently got offered a job (kinda). i was very happy about this job offer. who am i kidding i was freakin' beside myself.

but when the dream-like offer adrenaline subsided that thing that creeps into your mind on rainy days, late at night, early in the morning, or sometimes, on rarer occasions, in the shower, slithered into my brain and clung to my soul. that thing. it is reinforced by so-called friends and acquaintances. and to combat such negativity, we encourage ourselves with lame "self-help" by trying ever so hard to believe that: "hard work leads to big rewards" or "big opportunities come with big risks" or "Einstein was really dyslexic." yeah, yeah. i hear ya. but that thing is still at your door, scratching to come in. doubt is a persistent little bastard.

doubt clings to soul...at first as a little guy, you know, "i am just being cautious." but really. really what i am is scared. doubt gets bigger.

when did this happen? have i always been afraid to fail? i don't think so... maybe i should go back to school. maybe i need more credentials. then i will be ready. doubt feeds.

maybe this is not the right job for me. maybe i am just kidding myself. i have a fall-back plan to you know, fall back. maybe i should just fall back. doubt grows.

i have another meeting tomorrow. a meeting to plan more meetings. i can't even write about this job, because i am afraid of if i do, then i might need to write a new blog to explain how this job did not work out. god, i am lame. i am not going to stop. i am going to keep moving forward. screw you, doubt!

what i really want to think: i have this amazing opportunity to do something big. everything i have worked on in my school and professional career has led me to this moment. i deserve this.

Yawn: or how i stopped procrastinating and just study already.

i can't think. blah.

i am really tired of being a student. i want it to end. and it will only get worse right before the end.

the end is near. i graduate this may. yay, may.

i don't know why i do this to myself. procrastinate. i could have been outside enjoying this glorious day. nope. i was inside staring at my text book. picking up my text book. sighing. reviewing the study guide with vocabulary words i need to know for a mid-term tomorrow. i fell asleep. woke up. drank a soda. defined more words. words. words. words.

now. now i type here. i get distracted easily. i need some lotion on my hands. i need to wash clothes and while i am at it, the dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher. maybe someone commented on my myspace page, my facebook page, my blog, my student email, my personal email. i need to text someone. let her know about tuesday (this one can wait until later).

sigh. yawn. bathroom break.

type. type. type. spencer is at the store, "girls, don't bother your mom. she is trying to study."

trying.

i wonder if i always react...?? do i ever just act?? whoa. that's deep. that will be my next blog.

i must do now. must studying. must go on. tomorrow will reward me with the completion of this midterm. and i can relax. until...the next assignment is due.

We Were at Ease

i was driving the other day and i was hit with a really profound reality: "this is history." not my driving. the current economic situation. i am going to get old and tell my grandchildren how hard this time in our lives (our U.S.A. collective lives) was (is). i cannot get away from the message "it's all going to shit." it is in every commercial, news show, talk show, billboard and casual conversation. we are tanking, baby!!

spencer is in sales. this last month was really his first selling month outside of training and it has been hard. even those people who want to buy from him who have money are holding off because it looks bad. it will now become bad form to have money.

we have failed ourselves and we have failed as a democracy. you see, a democracy can only survive on the premise that its citizens are aware and informed. a huge part of our democratic fabric is the public domain and libraries. now, the PATRIOT ACT took some of that away. the other part, we just decided that people owed us information. we wanted to hear that an adjustable rate mortgage would save us on our monthly payments, and we chose to ignore that the long run would see us screwed. because we have forgotten how to seek information, to ask questions and to take personal responsibility.

we also forgot honor. we forgot to help inform our clients. we forgot that a handshake is a binding agreement. that contracts were an exchange between people who are our neighbors. maybe we didn't lie, but we didn't reveal the whole truth.

we forgot to see into the future.

what really sucks (not to be self righteous) is that many of us remembered and we are still being screwed.

as a nation, we became at ease. we became Job in our fortress. we only saw the world within our own walls and forgot about our neighbors outside. and now, well now, we owe and the devil has come to collect.

i guess it is only fair to be constantly reminded, so we don't forget...again.

Riding, Writing and Stopping Time

i think one of the reasons i discovered that i enjoy riding horses is because it forces my brain to slow down...or as a friend of mine put it, "to restart." i think. a lot. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night, following a thought from a dream. i can solve all the problems of the world in the middle of the night...only to forget what brought me to such thinking the next morning.

when i am working on a project or find time alone, interruption is my arch nemesis. sometimes it is little voices that want. sometimes it is a husband who wants to know. and in that moment, i just want to stay behind the curtain. my mom was once the same way. when she wrote. interruption was her worst enemy too.

i do write a lot. and i wish that my writing was what i enjoyed, but the truth is i mainly write for classes. always working on a paper. it is one of the few activities where i enjoy the outcome more than the process. i was particularly proud of this paper i wrote last semester--it is about bibliographic control in relationship to the book GLUT. i know. yawn, right. to me, it was widely interesting. it took a huge amount of energy to put together that paper. and nobody will ever read it with the exception of my professor and me. but all that energy zaps me of motivation to write. anything.

back to riding. not writing.

i rode with my husband and father-in-law yesterday. it was cold and wet. we had to keep the horses from a fast pace so they would not slide on the wet ground. that would suck. for the first time riding, i felt the fear of almost having a horse "go out from under me." we were riding near some cattle and a cow snorted. it scared my horse and she jumped. i almost felt her want to bolt but i yelled, "WHOA!!" and pulled her reigns. she stopped. she really jumped. she still seemed spooked from that point on and a little resistant to my cues. a little while later i started riding her down a slope to a pond. we were riding past the house and my kids saw us through the window. they decided to yell, "hello" over and over again. my horse was not sure what was causing that racket as their yells were muffled and she could not see them. she stopped and started to fight me. she wanted to take off and i pulled her reigns. apparently i pulled up so much she started to walk backwards down the slope. i thought she might start slipping and sliding. i released the reigns and she took off toward the barn, but i was able to at least get her back to a walk. we were mad at each other. i dismounted and she bumped me with her nose and i lightly smacked her on the nose.

but in all this, i don't think. i just react.

when i am not about to be thrown from a horse, usually the ride is relaxing. if i can let go and just breathe my mind stops. i don't have to talk. i don't have to think. i communicate with the horse through movement and body language. just the occasional clicking of the cheek to go, and a "whoa" to stop.

i feel, when i am up on that horse, that my whole life is suspended. nothing matters. everything is so beautiful. majestic. even a very cloudy, wet and windy day.